"Trauma is enduring emotional and psychological pain that often results when we live through an experience that our brain is unable to process for some reason"
The above overview of trauma is from "healing is the new high" by Vex King and I remember reading that and thinking, wow, shit that explains it beautifully. As a teenager I had no idea I was trying to process trauma I just knew that I was getting in my car in the middle of the night sometimes and just screaming at the top of my lungs trying to release some of this pain and confusion my head and heart was feeling. I was also writing messages like this to the universe hoping that someone would see my pain and help me fix it.
Although history tells us mental health has been around since the early 1900's, I don't remember there ever being any discussions around mental health and wellbeing and certainly not about trauma back in 80's and 90's! Instead for some of us we just self-medicated and turned to alcohol and substances to push down and numb the pain, it was the obvious answer because everyone else was doing it.
At 16, something really shitty happened, I'm not ready to talk about that just yet but it was something that I still carry with me today and also something that would impact how I would see myself when it came to men, Ill get back to this. By 17 I was working 3 jobs, full time at the supermarket which I loved, part time at pizza hut then on weekends I would dance for 3 hours for $50 cash in hand with free drinks all night, I mean who could say no to that at 17!
By 18 I was smoking pot every day, mainly to get to sleep as I was living with one parent and they were on nightshift, so it became my way of sleeping through the night without being scared, I guess. I was also dating someone that dealt other drugs too so that is where some of the dabbling began, LSD, speed then ecstasy hit the market. The thing I loved about substances over alcohol is that they didn't have that impact of suddenly being angry like the alcohol did, in fact it was almost impossible to even be angry while on ecstasy instead you spent most of the night is this euphoric state of love and by the end of the night the love you's were in an obscene abundance with complete strangers becoming life time friends.
Looking back, I realise how much of those connections when you are wasted are totally fake, what feels like a lifetime friendship is just alcohol or drug fuelled bullshit in all honesty. When the chips are down and you are trying to get your life together, I can almost 100% guarantee they are not going to be the ones by your side.